It was her first week with her new boss.
And then it was a month.
Soon, wouldn’t you know it, it’s been three years.
At first, it just felt respectful to yield when the boss interrupted her, and she’d nod along as the conversation turned into a monologue—a normal, every day accommodation like one anyone makes countless times as a relationship gets started, softening the edges, holding something back, little auditions of how much me I can be, the roles we take on quietly because the moment calls for it.
It wasn’t that the boss’s interruption intended to be rude, nor the monologue a tangent; in fact the relationship is a good one, the boss is a good boss, and even if at times one-sided, interactions that more-often-than-not move the work along.
Like a request and then a task fulfilled, or a thank you for giving the extra effort, or sitting together on the same side of the table for a challenging discussion with someone else … the boss interrupts, she yields, work moves forward, the relationship holds. That's not a problem. That's a relationship.
Relationships are a collection of relationship patterns: A sort of bit-by-bit negotiation over time of your role and my role.
It’s still the lesson at the heart of Dr Phil’s message: You teach people how to treat you.
It’s one thing (I think) I remember from the here-and-there episodes of Oprah I’d catch after school—and while Dr. Phil’s advice is decidedly intended to be individual-focused tough-love, it’s just as true in a mutually supportive work relationship.
And it doesn’t require confrontation. Just a different response in Tuesday’s 1:1. Something like:
Can I finish my point?
I’d like to come back to what I was saying earlier.
Hey, realized I didn’t finish what I was saying, so sending a follow-up note to make sure we’re on the same page.
When we find that a relationship pattern is no longer serving us, or not serving the work, it’s time to try a different one. Do it. See what happens.